Old Friends and New Years

"Old friends, sat on their park bench like bookends..." - Simon & Garfunkel

This evening I happen to come upon a photo I took back in 2011. It's a statue of two people, sitting on a bench looking out at the tridge, a bridge with three spans crossing two rivers conjoining in Midland, Michigan. 

Somehow it seems apropos for this very cold New Years Day in Michigan. My hope is that somehow we can begin this new year as old friends, not as distant enemies. 

Here's to 2018...roads traveled, friends found, love shared,and photographs for memories.

EjG

Within darkness...

The grave of our youth is up ahead /
And life has become a burden /
We move in circles of suppressed despair /
Waiting for the sun... /

...Asleep in the rain /
A child once again /
And the ghost in my head /
Has forgiven me /

   -Taken from Opeth's song Faith in Others

It's been over a year since I left my job for a personal sabbatical. Time needed, to figure out how to let go of those in my past who had no understanding at who I was or tried to be for them. To them, I am able to finally say "goodbye" and now begin to move on.

This was also a time for me to figure out who I am as an individual and to understand this brain of mine. It was also a time to chase some of my passions. But, this time off did not come with an ease of understanding. There were points of deep depression, which I am still fighting, that left me near lethargy some days with incessant brain chatter, ruminating over everything and nothing. The past can be your enemy, filled with vitriol.

I miss writing. I miss sharing thoughts. There have been days where I swore I would never pen another word. Riddled with despair and doubt to the point madness continued to only strengthen. Days where I thought maybe I should take more time sharing my feelings and ideas only through images, drawings and photography, after all, that is how my brain works and processes.

But, who knows, it varies daily. It also took a better part of the day to muster the strength to write these words. However, I was determined today to begin working on overcoming the relentless chatter and the long days of depression and finally reconnect with the written word.

With a cup coffee, a candlelit room and the music of Opeth, I have finally overcome the frustrating silence of loneliness and depression. There is a very faint feeling of hope, which is better than none at all. Maybe there will be a fresher tomorrow, and the ability to finally kick-out any remaining remnants of those whom have plagued my thoughts with darkness. It's only when those voids are created from their departure that I will be able to fill them with something better, something new.

And what's an ironic moment of coincidences, the song from which I quote the lyrics from above was purely happenstance as I was getting ready to write this, but only if you believe in happenstances over coincidences. I do not...and as Opeth put it, "with an inborn need to dominate and possess / It gives birth to an anger inside / And we can't control this..."

I've forgotten the beauty of tranquility within the nightfall...it is here and I am among its beauty and rejuvenating strength which one finds within the quietness it allows...

EjG

An emptiness

The intentions for this blog when I started it was to help me discover the pieces in life I seemed to be missing. That was many years ago. And it has been a year since I have really attended to the continual discovery and writing it down here.

It has been nearly eight months since I left my last job. A move that was necessary for me to take some time off. To search for some understanding of what everything in life meant to me. In reality, I left because I could not longer cope with the reality of a demanding job that offered no support, only fruitless battles against culture and bureaucracy that were both designed to impede rather than to offer opportunities of change.

And in this year of time away from work, it has been cathartic, lonely, sad, euphoric, frustrating and peaceful. And as much as I would like to say I am back to my old self, I don't think I really am. I have yet to find the love in my poetry or guitar, which both once were solid definitions of my soul.

transversing negative space of parallels

"fiction is truth half told to shape a perception of what is not there in one reality, yet exists in another.  a parallel universe of sorts.  though parallels never come to the same point, either."   

anna m.

~~~~

a story begins.   in one such parallel.   in one such perception. 

~~~~ 

through emptiness of a soul lost, came search for new meaning in an unexplainable trilogy of existence which has elements of the known, the believed and the desired. 

realizations of tangibles in life are the known, to which there are no questions of what they are or are not. 

there are questions on meaning here, but meaning is separate from tangible. 

meaning bridges the known to the believed, in a dystopic journey of frustration from fact to faith.  

however, the believed comes from the desire to understand infinite reality beyond the known, often based on its elements. 

this is faith. 

death may be a door to another parallel, but this other parallel is not a known; it is a combination of the believed and the desired. 

there is only belief, and belief in existence or nonexistence of another parallel does require faith, either way. 

the theists and non-theists may argue, but there is no such thing as not having belief, you either believe something is or is not, unless the known can prove it through a tangible.

theoretical writings of theology and thealogy do little to help, as they are either myth or perceived fact, dependent upon one's concepts learned or discovered of the parallel of an unknown that can only be believed. 

it may or may not exist. 

however, it's the desired which may be the most wicked of all, as it drives madness into the artists, philosophers and dreamers. 

though seemingly unattainable, yet not always, the desired could be a fictional or parallel reality. 

this parallel, when beyond fiction, is often found hidden deep within one's self, suppressed from the pressure and non-acceptance from societal norms. 

but, the desired can often be no more explained nor rationalized than the believed within the minds of the mad. 

yet it was through a drawing class when a quest to capture the desired was piqued once more. 

it came from defining negative space, drawing an object's image from what it is not, which is a constant theme in approaches to poetry, writing and life, which all attempt to explain the known. 

a philosophical approach in discovery and description comes through finding what something, or someone, is by bringing forth what it is not.  

symbiosis between drawing and writing occurs in sketching objects without looking at the graphite or paper, only looking at the object, in order to actually see what exists while connecting the brain with the hand. 

combined with negative space, writing is enhanced by seeing what something is and then describing what it is not by removing a writer from the alterations and perceptions created from limits of human remembrance. 

it was from this that a love for poetry and written word was reborn through understanding and defining objects with negative space.

and so now, with this, it is the time to find anna. 

~~~~

she's here. 

within the white of the page. 

a parallel, of sorts. 

~~~~

the story begins...

~~~~

white may be an absence of all color...

...but white is a canvas for a soul to draw out what is within its grasp...

by darkening what is not. 

~~~~

she calls...

EjG

in a time of silence...

books regarding an ancient religion from lands of the celtic north rest on a reading table next to me, as night sounds mix softly with gentle sounds of music and a constant infusion of cool night air...my study of the goddess and a search for the feminine divine has suspended for a brief moment in time's existence only to be resumed in the morrow...

...the autumnal equinox and mabon are close at hand...finishing out the seasons to allow only a few short weeks before the celebrations of a new time around the samhain begin the year once more.

celebrations of life cycles, the sun, cycles of the moon, and the wondrousness of the earth and her beauty only come upon those who search and experience it from a full awareness of her existence...

...a new chapter in my journey, that started in a time long since past when youth was not as elusive as it seems to be now, has begun once more...

and as I have spent the last months of this summer's season, searching for some inner personal truth and understanding, the capability to finally control my mind and quell internal demons of past remembrances seems to be taking its due course and coming to a long awaited journey's end... 

...this now allows for a freeing of my mind and spirit to finally face that which it has questioned all along, stemming from a troubled, conflicted identity and constant questioning of the soul's beliefs...with a brain now finally clear of hindrances placed upon it from the continual, self-inflicted iniquities once used to silence its demons, its chaos and its frustration from not knowing what belief and identity are to me, plaguing my searching soul, my being now focuses on finding new answers...though questions lead to more questions...no answers can be provided except from what has been understood from a soul's intersection with the younger self, talking self and deep self...i'm now learning how to understand and listen to this inner trinity of existence and understanding...

while there is no finality in what it is i am, there is a beginning to an understanding of personal identity and what belief really is to this conflicted soul...and there is a personal revelation of what was blocking this search for truth within...it came out of a separation from the wholesomeness of earth, a cleansing from the forest and her trees, the deep self speaking through guitar strings, and the existentialism of poetry presenting pictures of thought for something to grasp onto in the days of endlessly looking for a horizon that cannot be seen from the clutter too often in the way...

...though in days of recent past my soul has been torn away from all this, confused by what it is i do not understand of my identity coupled by the relentless stare into the night winds and sky searching for meaning of the desired path set forth for me, i now am on a new journey of discovery...

i was unable to describe or explain this until now, however, scatteredness of thought may prevent some clarity at this point...and though i was going to start a new blog, i have decided that crossroads at sunrise was where this, and me, needed to be...a search for meaning and understanding was its genesis...now, a rebirth comes once more...

...a recent silence provided the break from deep shame and an ability to discover that which needs to be brought forward to present as thought once more...and quite possibly, discussion...in order to come to an understanding within... 

my camomile tea now steams into the early morning stillness surrounding its silence with sensuousness and serenity...

EjG

Inside a Chaotic Mind

There is no true rest when the brain cannot shut itself down. -- EjG

There is a continual self discovery going on within my psyche. An attempt for me to separate what is real and what is perceived within my brain. Not looking for excuses or sympathy, just looking for discovery and understanding. 

The brain and creativity fascinate me. Along with psychology.

With that said, I need to tell you this:   

I have an extremely chaotic mind...which is actually awesome...as do many more individuals in my situation. 

Yes, it's not bad. However, it has been the cause of ultra creativity, new ways of looking at the ordinary, extreme highs, extreme lows, radical new approaches, performance issues from non-conformance, success from non-conformance, relationship issues and daily functioning issues from existing outside of normality. 

And, some days, actually most days, I just want to quiet it down, because the perceived norm despises my thought processes. Imagine having constant images/conversations in your head when trying to relax and escape from the day, or when trying to read and concentrate, constantly interferring. 

My brain never shuts down.

Let me explain what it's like. I have four examples to share for the description:

1) My brain is like a weather map when it shows the lightning strikes on it from a violent storm. Thoughts flash continuously in and out, without order, and fade into nothingness shortly thereafter. Nothing meaningful other than there is an abnormal amount of activity leading to some major change. Distracting and catastrophic change occurs, which eventually becomes new and a refreshed reality, sometimes a new reality happens. It sometimes ain't pretty when it does. I don't always welcome it, but it can force me to be better and more focused, provided the right distraction occurs. 

2) Images and words become a whirlwind. They fly in and out, swirling, especially as I think about whatever subject is at hand, thinking of other tasks I need to do, with concentration interrupted and altered with other conversations going around me. 

3) It's like being at a party or networking event where there are many different conversations going on at the same time, and you're trying to listen and eavesdrop on all of them, while also trying to focus on your own conversation. You get nothing substantial other than jumbled words, and you're not able to remember what was discussed in any of the discussions. 

4) I have constant conversations within my head. Not voices, just my brain talking to me over and over again...over everything else. They can be funny events or something reminding me of painful events. Regardless, they do not allow me to move forward.

Direct conversations become chaotic mind games with the crowd within my head. Often, when I'm asked what was just said in a conversation, I panic from lack of recall. It's like I have not paid attention and often do not know what was just discussed. However, the reality is, I can't recall because the many images, messages, thoughts and distractions within my brain prevent me from paying attention to what was said or what was important. Kicker is, I can recall partial glimpses of my interfering thoughts, but cannot fully recall the discussion and outcome. 

To add to this, my handwriting is so poor when writing notes to remember, the deciphering process is nearly impossible from my notes. And I have no recollection of what was important or what I proposed we should do. 

Hopelessness evolves from my chaotic interpretations of wasted thought.

But, what is it actually like in my head? The simple answer is this: It's chaotic. Purely chaotic. 

So, here's a mere glimpse...less than five-ish minutes of my daily waking, cognizant hours:

~~~~~

Thoughts occur....they consume my brain until something else comes along.

Discussion begins to occur within my head....I would say it's voices, but it's not, it's just my brain talking with itself.
  
This brain of mine loves self conversation, along with philosophical rants. It plays out philosophic arguments, which can never be fully articulated, unless written, but it incessantly plagues my inner peace.  I win, but my adversary never realizes it, nor can I articulate it in real life.

I try to stop my brain, or quiet it again...to no avail.

And now I try reading....what did I read? The conversations within my mind continue. They are relentless and unforgiving. 

I can't remember what I was supposed to remember. 

Professorial condemnations occur, though they are now hallucinations or flashbacks from what was once experienced.

Seriously...crap...I have to go back two or three paragraphs to reread and catch-up. 

Holy crap, more conversations....they interrupt me, but what did they say? Paranoia sometimes sets in.

Did I capture everything in my notes...my hand writing is so bad I cannot read what I wrote.
                          
I cannot remember the conversation, either...I wanted to write it down, I truly tried, but forgot, before I could capture the full essence.

I cannot ask them to repeat it...I'm supposed to be an expert. 

The other person notices my inadequacies...or at least, I perceive they do, my face is flush, and I tell myself to think of mountains and not to sweat...I miss the other part of the discussion. 

Then, yet another conversation within my mind begins, in another direction, conflicting with the other maddening discussions within my brain.

Nervousness....why are my hands shaking? 

My brain is consumed...a co-worker tells me to not let anyone see me sweat, it's weakness. It was not an actual conversation today, just one I recalled from weeks past that I inadvertently recalled at this point in time. 

Why do I constantly recall bad conversations where I make embarrassing mistakes?

Yet, then, in the silence of my home, I think to myself, they cannot see this....

...my wife notices the paper that I'm holding is shaking...she asks why...

I skirt the question with a sarcastic comment. 

I fear she thinks something else. And yet my hands shake more uncontrollably....I worry, and discuss within my mind, the reality I am aging and becoming fragile...

...it's not a good discussion, and this causes other discussions among the perceived normal ones.

Gotta stop this....other conversations within my head interject their thoughtless ramblings.
                     
What did these conversations say? Shit, I can't remember.
          
Doubt....a common theme, reinforced by the perceived norm. 

Thoughts...they lead into some dimension of misguided worry....
   
My mind still racing, the self looking for a way to escape. It cannot...trapped...

Sweat becomes more profuse...how do I stop it? I can't! How do I escape it?

Paranoia, self doubt and an escape mentality become increasingly prevalent.

Misguided thoughts, worrying about missteps in previous discussions, continues in fervor.

Self doubt continues......my brain replays all the missteps and mistakes I have done in public to the point of incapacitating me...I need to step away from the conversation and crowd. I'm powerless.

Sweating, blushing.....I tell myself to stop it, but cannot, and it increases.


And then the person I'm meeting with walks into the room, shakes my hand and says hello....I need to proceed with some sense of poise.

Welcome to a chaotic mind...

EjG

A Shift in Direction...

Though I will still publish my post titled Inside a Chaotic Mind, which is almost complete, but it became more challenging to write than I realized, I want to change the direction of this blog in a slightly, very slightly, different way.

A crossroads between three rivers. Midland, Michigan 2013.

I tried to resurrect a former blog of mine last week, titled A New Utopia, only to discover the blog spot was still available, but the domain name has not been available for years.

My mistake.

Not gonna resurrect it. At least not directly. Need uniqueness.

Despair and frustration set in.

But, only for a moment.

I decided to combine my approach from A New Utopia into my approach for Crossroads at Sunrise. 

A New Utopia was originally based on technology and digital approaches, along with trying to get discussion on new thinking.

This is what Crossroads at Sunrise was originally about, too, minus the tech...along with poetry and photography. Discovering new approaches and ridding me of the normality we succumb to, often called life. I need to discover more...which comes through thought and writing for me.

My belief is to share ideas and approaches. Collaboration will enable humanity to survive. Though I'm not sure if most can realize how this can be done effectively these days. Discourse and understanding of different views seems to be lost on our generations.

Ok then, from now on (at least in the foreseeable future), I'm going to use this blog as a forum to analyze a chaotic mind, seeking out people with similar issues and interest, while also searching for new ideas and discoveries. However, I will also be posting thoughts on how I think we should disrupt things like environmental issues, the government, social outreach, philanthropy and business.

Yes, these ideas all fly through this chaotic mind of mine daily, if not hourly or by the minute. I want to bring back positive discourse so our society can come to understand the difference between good thoughts and wasted efforts. Let's look for the greater good.

This has always been a goal/passion of mine, but today it became more passionate when I took almost two hours and listened to a panel on whether or not entrepreneurs are over regulated and no longer innovative, sponsored by Virgin.

Yes, the video takes two hours, but well worth the listen, even with the periodic audio issues.

Anyway...expect more from me now. And challenge my ideas. I gotta find a breakthrough to change humanity...or, at least, to understand and harness my brain for some greater good.

So, in taking a personal risk, I share what is considered shameful and confidential (yet, shouldn't be):

I'm getting tested for ADHD this week. It's a start. Which may provide that harness and understanding for me...though I have been crystal clear to the psychologists/nurses/doctors that I will not jeopardize my creativity, even to save my sanity and health, it's too critical to my being. No matter the toll nor cost. But, I'm also dealing with, and being treated for, social and performance anxiety due to bad body/brain chemistry. Oh God, this sucks! And yet no one truly understands, even those closest to me. No one!! Yet, today I can no longer do a presentation, be in a crowd, deal with contention, stand in a line, meet with friends, be at a party, or do an impromptu meeting with leadership without shaking, sweating and losing my words and thoughts from the fear of the situation. It sucks. Truly. Especially when logic dictates otherwise. I feel my competence is measured by this and not by my knowledge and performance....knowledge and performance always take second fiddle to perception. No now one will understand my plight, so this is a solo fight and endeavor....

There should be no shame in this, none, which is why I publicize it here. Our society needs to understand this is real issue/condition and not made up.

It just f*cking happens.

I'd like to think I'm proof this is not an excuse, as I continue to push on no matter what. I've been successful despite my issues. But, I know there is doubt on my reality, which is why I raise it here. Why else would I raise it? There are only downsides in my perceptions...no upside. This fuels my drive even more.

And yet, those of us with this issue continue to just search for answers to explain our differences in order to come to some understanding on why, as well as a way to approach this madness. I also lay this out to show you this is not just words, but a soul dealing with some hefty issues. Ironically, these issues also intrigue me to research, explain and discover, which I do daily.

Ok, so there it is. I have laid it out. Plainly. Honestly. Nothing held back.

I have one messed up, creative, neurotic, over sensitive, over stimulated, and yet an inquisitive brain looking for understanding. I love and hate it, all at the same time. There is only one relief from all of this...death...and I'm not willing to go even close to this reality. So, this makes me search for some truth and thought, reality can be elusive...

Ready for a journey into madness, fear, anxiousness, discovery and understanding?

Me too....stay tuned.

Let's go!

EjG

(P.S. Share your ideas, I will respond.)