Thursday, September 04, 2014

in a time of silence...

books regarding an ancient religion from lands of the celtic north rest on a reading table next to me, as night sounds mix softly with gentle sounds of music and a constant infusion of cool night air...my study of the goddess and a search for the feminine divine has suspended for a brief moment in time's existence only to be resumed in the morrow...

...the autumnal equinox and mabon are close at hand...finishing out the seasons to allow only a few short weeks before the celebrations of a new time around the samhain begin the year once more.

celebrations of life cycles, the sun, cycles of the moon, and the wondrousness of the earth and her beauty only come upon those who search and experience it from a full awareness of her existence...

...a new chapter in my journey, that started in a time long since past when youth was not as elusive as it seems to be now, has begun once more...

and as I have spent the last months of this summer's season, searching for some inner personal truth and understanding, the capability to finally control my mind and quell internal demons of past remembrances seems to be taking its due course and coming to a long awaited journey's end... 

...this now allows for a freeing of my mind and spirit to finally face that which it has questioned all along, stemming from a troubled, conflicted identity and constant questioning of the soul's beliefs...with a brain now finally clear of hindrances placed upon it from the continual, self-inflicted iniquities once used to silence its demons, its chaos and its frustration from not knowing what belief and identity are to me, plaguing my searching soul, my being now focuses on finding new answers...though questions lead to more questions...no answers can be provided except from what has been understood from a soul's intersection with the younger self, talking self and deep self...i'm now learning how to understand and listen to this inner trinity of existence and understanding...

while there is no finality in what it is i am, there is a beginning to an understanding of personal identity and what belief really is to this conflicted soul...and there is a personal revelation of what was blocking this search for truth within...it came out of a separation from the wholesomeness of earth, a cleansing from the forest and her trees, the deep self speaking through guitar strings, and the existentialism of poetry presenting pictures of thought for something to grasp onto in the days of endlessly looking for a horizon that cannot be seen from the clutter too often in the way...

...though in days of recent past my soul has been torn away from all this, confused by what it is i do not understand of my identity coupled by the relentless stare into the night winds and sky searching for meaning of the desired path set forth for me, i now am on a new journey of discovery...

i was unable to describe or explain this until now, however, scatteredness of thought may prevent some clarity at this point...and though i was going to start a new blog, i have decided that crossroads at sunrise was where this, and me, needed to be...a search for meaning and understanding was its genesis...now, a rebirth comes once more...

...a recent silence provided the break from deep shame and an ability to discover that which needs to be brought forward to present as thought once more...and quite possibly, discussion...in order to come to an understanding within... 

my camomile tea now steams into the early morning stillness surrounding its silence with sensuousness and serenity...

EjG

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