In Memory of My Son

***
Whether you lose a child through death or failure, the loss hurts just the same. I have lost my son, and very few understand, or know, the chasm of sadness existing within my chest and mind.

When there is no casket, there is no sign of loss. Only disgusted looks at you and your soul. Though there is more to the story than meets the eye, the armchair journalists, activists, and philosophers blame the father for the ailments…for surely the mother cannot be wrong, abusive, nor inattentive.

Let me be explicitly clear; loss from failure cuts to the soul even further than the loss from a death. Especially, when the failure comes from the system letting you down, actually working against you.

It was just days before Christmas 2007 that I lost my eldest child, through failure, not death. And both the uninformed and the arrogant point their fingers in my direction as the culprit of a great tragedy. Yet, the fight I gave to save, raise, and provide for him goes unnoticed.

His mother won the battle, our son lost his life.

No man should have to ever chose between saving his eldest child or saving his other two children and wife. Yet, we have to sometimes make those decisions. And the decision becomes difficult, logical, easy, blurred, and obvious all at the same time. But, I had to make that choice…philosophical dilemmas are both disgusting and vile when they occur in real life.

Legal decisions and discussions surrounding this are callous and clinical. The true emotion comes while driving home, alone, behind the wheel of an old red Dodge truck, tears making the oncoming traffic look double. A true man is not supposed to show emotion…I turn from others to hide my shame of sadness. The light turns green…I press the gas pedal more cautiously then other days.

People pass by unnoticed...

Joint legal custody means nothing more than the fact that the father has absolutely no right in making decisions for his child. It only makes him financially responsible for the inept decisions of others.

Say a prayer for my son…that’s all he has left at this time for his salvation and redemption.

A father is supposed to be emotionless…and yet the tears, sadness, and hopelessness overwhelm me during a time of year that is supposed to be filled with hope, joy, and renewal.

I lost my son December 19, 2007. End of story...

There was no memoriam. There was no funeral. There was no wake. Only an abyss of silence that deafens my soul…nothing more…

And the truth is? Silence has more echoes than sound ever had…

EjG