Discovery....

A Brief Overview
The journey over the past year or so has been an interesting one, and continues to be filled with personal discovery and details. And, I share the following in hopes those who can relate can have something we can discuss. Don't let us hide in silence, but rebel in strength. It takes a special soul to succeed beyond this pain.

Though I often approach my journeys and discoveries with humor, there is a  soulful side to my approach to life that is often held quite close out of fear of sharing too much inside this single person. I do not strive to run the world, just want to leave a positive legacy when I am gone. Because of the topic below, I need to maintain a sense of seriousness. My humor is quelled.

This past year has taken me to areas I had never imagined. From job loss to job gain, to a new location and to new work experiences, to experiencing normality being lost and forgotten. But, the struggle to truly understand who it is I am and what I strive to be continues to be a source of inner turmoil. I know many people struggle with this, I'm just bringing it out into the forefront.

My life is in upheaval...but, it's not the end. At least not now. So then what?

A Taboo Subject in Our Culture
It took a serious set of panic attacks, a couple of psychologists, some good meds, TED talks by Brené Brown and Susan Cain, literally drawing out my approach based on conversations and presentations, a lot of reading on introversion versus extroversion and a serious examination of what my skills as a writer and professional communicator truly entailed to get to where I am right now. It has not been pretty nor easy.

Did I nail it?

Nope.

So, back to seeing a therapist.

There, I said it. Back to seeing a therapist.

My failure and yet my redemption.

Let my personal critics (both professional and non-professional) weigh in on my ineptness. There are many out there. But, the kicker is this: it's not ineptness.

It's because those of us in this predicament often see life dramatically different than most. It's a curse and a blessing.

Yep, I'm an introverted writer that has a messed up brain seeing yet another therapist, and I look at life and problems in a dramatically different way than most. I'm supposed to be ashamed, right? Because I have a therapist? However, I am not. Which is why I'm posting this.

I've been told to not tell anyone. This is something you're not supposed to talk about because it's seen as shameful and a weakness.

What bullshit. Whatever happened to compassion and understanding?

Broken ankle or wrist, chemo I'd be in therapy to take care of it. Much sympathy. But, with a messed up head? Silence, shun and disgust seems to be the better approach. It's time to change this. Which is why I'm going public with my personal struggles.

You cannot push for change until you actually put yourself on the platform.

Impactful Memories 
I thought by the time I was 48 I would have this thing called life figured out, being comfortable with it. I have not. Ironically, I think that's ok (should I get past this current struggle). Not having life figured out means you're not complacent. You're still finding and discovering.

The best class I ever took in college was a course in Logic, far better class than any business or communication class. On the last day of the course, the professor made a statement that has stuck with me to this day. He said something to the effect, "Always continue to learn and be interested in life. At some point in your career you'll plateau and there will be nothing further for you there. If you have no other interests, then life will be pretty unfulfilling."

Of course, the great William Zinser, in his 80s, said to the graduating class from his alma mater, all in their teens, that we all want the same thing. What could that possibly be?

Simple.

We want "to have an interesting life."

Yes...an interesting life. But, how?

The other night I sat out on my deck with my yellow lab and a glass of wine. All I could hear were the night sounds. I'm very comfortable in silence and solitude. For years, in the corporate world, there was something I was told to work on, a major weakness, and that was my willingness to be alone and think. I needed to network more, be more outgoing, be sociable. That's what needed to be done.

But, I struggled. And still do so today. I'm not that way...I cannot be that way.

Now, I've decided to embrace what is me and get others to accept this for what it is. Which is sort of an arrogant view of life. So, in reality, it has become an understanding of both me and an understanding of you, at least the collective you.

So Let Me Be Blunt
I'm an introverted soul who has decided to refocus his efforts on biking for health, writing for thinking, guitar playing for problem solving, reading for discovery, photography for capturing moments in time and, most of all, family for love. Yes, meaningless things from the perspective of the business sector, but strength from every other point of life.

But, this rambling is not a synopsis of a culmination of events over the past year or so. It's not a cry for sympathy. No, it's one more step in the journey with personal struggles. I'm having trouble finding it, but when I wait for inspiration it somehow has a way of slapping me in the face.

And, it did so today.

I'm convinced that by following the path to "me" will enable me to find a truly fulfilled life. The best things to ever have happened to me are the panic attacks and the downsizing I went through last year. Nothing would have changed if it wasn't for both of those incidents.

The Finale, Sort Of 
Fortunately, I have the financial means to take this journey on, and discovered my current role, which follows my passion. It's not a job...it's truly a passion, though stressful, it helps define my character.

That's the big distinction. I may not succeed, but if I don't, I know I will have left a legacy from what I have done. That's true life, my friends....and the biggest thing is rediscovering other passions in life.

And now? Well, I'm finally redefining passions to discover my "interesting life." Thanks Mr. Zinser...

So, until later...