Thursday, November 06, 2008

My Americana / John




My Americana

within a summer’s wind
the corn waved its silence
as a distant train passed by
unnoticed,
yet it bellowed
to prevent trespassers
from crossing its path.
and there was a wonderment of eyes
that my sister and I had
as we sat upon
grandfather’s lap
counting its cars.
there was a also a simplicity
and a complexity
at the very same time.
everything was
just as it should be.
but today,
nothing is the same.
the realms of silence
tell us nothing more
than that which we hope to see,
comprehend,
and remember….

-------------------------

John

There are points in time that permanently fixate themselves within the depths of the mind, and yet bring themselves to the forefront of memory upon a single thought. Whether it is about a death or about a life, those thoughts are as vivid as the visuals in front of you today.

I passed a barren field yesterday; it had corn in it last season. And across the brown furrows, worn by winter’s edge and speckled with cut stalks, my memory brought forth a time within childhood. A time where I sat upon my grandfather’s lap, in his recovered, brown lazy boy chair next to the picture window looking over the cornfield next to his house. His chair was always a bit stale and musty. The footrest had a bottle of whiskey in it that he received at Christmas, and it took him to the following Christmas to finish it. A little snort once in a while was all.

Corn stalks waved firmly in the summer afternoon winds. And, this field stood for something, like my grandfather. A firm man, whose hands were too large for a wedding ring, and yet not overweight. He was a master plumber in a time that rewarded men for hard, honest work, not relegating it to near-do-wells and filling it with shame. He retired in his early forties, making money in real estate, even during the Great Depression. There was no shame in it.

He was not perfect; my grandmother was sure to tell you that a time or three. “Your grandfather,” she’d say in a voice that quivered from age, “only said ‘I do’ once in his life, and that was when we got married. Ever since then he says ‘you do.’”

And for some reason, unbeknownst to me as a child, my parents didn’t find it funny when we’d pass gas like my grandfather did.

He was famous for sleeping in his lazy boy, falling asleep somewhere around early evening, snoring to shake the rafters. Of which my grandmother would yell at him, because she could not hear the television or the conversation, “Johnny, roll over.”

Couple of snorts, a bit of harrumph, and he’d roll onto his side, fart, proclaim, “you did that,” and then go back to sleep. Of course my sister and I thought it was quite funny, and every once in a while you’d catch my parents smirk when they thought we were not looking. But, this lost its charm when we did it. My father would remind us of the disciplinarian my grandfather was when he was a younger man and shaping a family. He had to do this at one point in life.

Yet none of this silliness really mattered when it came to what was important and why cornfields are important. Or, why the simplicity and the straightforwardness of the countryside is what often shape a man.

I have spent much of my life, traveling the backcountry roads, to discover where America, life, simplicity, remembrance and God all intersect. It is a search for simplicity and understanding.

Yet, in the simplicity of youth, I had not realized my discovery might have happened years ago when sitting on the old gray wood farm wagon that rested beneath the 100-year-old maple tree in the back yard. The cornfields surrounded this, as well.
To this day, as if it was just yesterday and I was ten, I remember sitting next to my grandfather on this wagon, counting the number of train cars as they passed in the distance, the heat waves made them look wrinkled. There was nothing extraordinary about this, except the fact that we spoke about simple things and enjoyed simple aspects of living.

The barns across the quiet country road my grandparents lived on were filled with life as birds called to one another in the hot, late summer air of Michigan. You could smell the decomposing hay and dripping diesel when you got close to these structures. They etched the farmland with their fading red, weathered wood. Americana persisted here, or was at least struggling to hang on here, as time slowly peeled away the layers of strength these structures once held.

Americana persisted beneath the maple tree, too, as we threw rotten tomatoes in the field from his garden, or stuffed ourselves with grapes and raspberries from the vines and bushes that edged their property. And somehow I think that is why I now grow blueberries and have old barns that smell of decomposing hay because these all represent something: childhood and simplicity. My Americana.

But stories have an end and a beginning, all at the same time. He died in his lazy boy chair. Though memory is sometimes whitewashed; I think my mother told me he was lying on his side, like he always was when he’d roll over. That meant he was facing the cornfield…I think his soul waves within the stalks as they bow to the summer winds.

And I have walked amongst the stalks, in August, with my children. Hoping to remember, and hoping to pass along the same simplicity I received many years past.

The story begins once more.

EjG

Thursday, May 08, 2008

systemization


"Gravedigger
when you dig my grave
would you make it shallow
so I can feel the rain…

Now you should never have to watch
your only own children lowered in the ground,
I mean
you should never have to bury your own babies.
Gravedigger…"

Willie Nelson
-------------------------------
systemization

there is an absence
created
from atrocities
we have instilled
within
our own madness…

it is our systemization…

we dig our own graves
through iniquities
of humanness
while our babies look through
frosted glass windows
of some institution
in hopes of freedom
from the madness
we have imparted
upon their souls
through our very own
ineptness

why?

‘cause we could not see the light
nor the brilliance
from the heavens…

is there not one soul
that can see
this madness of sins
we have bestowed
upon the next generation?

retribution and blame
are the only
answers for damnation…

my God
we want that damnation
to the point
we taste the sweetness
of its blood and desire…

there is no such thing
as compassion,
reason,
logic,
or forgiveness
when it comes to
systemization…

pray for our lost souls…

they are the next generation…

and when I am buried
may there be a heaven
where I can celebrate the freedom
from all this madness…

but now
the rains fall gently
upon my skin
within summer’s night
and yet
there is no comfort
to pass along
when our children
feel the vast nothingness of sadness
from our generation
failing to see
this pain and emptiness…

damnation…

the soul knows nothing further
and so we cry into the winds
passing by the windows
while watching the moon
at the midnight hour…

the silence deafens all…

Wednesday, January 30, 2008

my abyss


there is an abyss
upon where we watch our souls
writhe in contempt
within the here and now;
the dominant ridicule our existence
in an attempt to push us
into the complacency of the system.

a complacency
where we seek both armageddon and nirvana….
only to realize it is the mundane
and the neurotic
defining our souls,
and existence,
silence and echoes
vibrate through our damnation.

a wind blows in silence of our memories.

there is nothing more
than what exists today…

my skull pulls free
from the confines of the skin,
and I’m screaming for joy,
across a vastness of nothing,
to the point
I kiss the evermore.

the edge of infinity
defines my limitations,
there is nothing more
than the confines
of our dreams
and imaginations.

yet my soul is consumed
to the point
there is no recognition of being;
eternity becomes nothing more,
now,
than an abyss of the hereafter.

an abyss
where music
is the difference between sound
and silence.

someday
we all will die,
and there will be no more sound,
only silence…

of the abyss…

EjG