The grave of our youth is up ahead /
And life has become a burden /
We move in circles of suppressed despair /
Waiting for the sun... /
...Asleep in the rain /
A child once again /
And the ghost in my head /
Has forgiven me /
-Taken from Opeth's song Faith in Others
It's been over a year since I left my job for a personal sabbatical. Time needed, to figure out how to let go of those in my past who had no understanding at who I was or tried to be for them. To them, I am able to finally say "goodbye" and now begin to move on.
This was also a time for me to figure out who I am as an individual and to understand this brain of mine. It was also a time to chase some of my passions. But, this time off did not come with an ease of understanding. There were points of deep depression, which I am still fighting, that left me near lethargy some days with incessant brain chatter, ruminating over everything and nothing. The past can be your enemy, filled with vitriol.
I miss writing. I miss sharing thoughts. There have been days where I swore I would never pen another word. Riddled with despair and doubt to the point madness continued to only strengthen. Days where I thought maybe I should take more time sharing my feelings and ideas only through images, drawings and photography, after all, that is how my brain works and processes.
But, who knows, it varies daily. It also took a better part of the day to muster the strength to write these words. However, I was determined today to begin working on overcoming the relentless chatter and the long days of depression and finally reconnect with the written word.
With a cup coffee, a candlelit room and the music of Opeth, I have finally overcome the frustrating silence of loneliness and depression. There is a very faint feeling of hope, which is better than none at all. Maybe there will be a fresher tomorrow, and the ability to finally kick-out any remaining remnants of those whom have plagued my thoughts with darkness. It's only when those voids are created from their departure that I will be able to fill them with something better, something new.
And what's an ironic moment of coincidences, the song from which I quote the lyrics from above was purely happenstance as I was getting ready to write this, but only if you believe in happenstances over coincidences. I do not...and as Opeth put it, "with an inborn need to dominate and possess / It gives birth to an anger inside / And we can't control this..."
I've forgotten the beauty of tranquility within the nightfall...it is here and I am among its beauty and rejuvenating strength which one finds within the quietness it allows...
EjG
