There is no true rest when the brain cannot shut itself down. -- EjG
There is a continual self discovery going on within my psyche. An attempt for me to separate what is real and what is perceived within my brain. Not looking for excuses or sympathy, just looking for discovery and understanding.
The brain and creativity fascinate me. Along with psychology.
With that said, I need to tell you this:
I have an extremely chaotic mind...which is actually awesome...as do many more individuals in my situation.
Yes, it's not bad. However, it has been the cause of ultra creativity, new ways of looking at the ordinary, extreme highs, extreme lows, radical new approaches, performance issues from non-conformance, success from non-conformance, relationship issues and daily functioning issues from existing outside of normality.
And, some days, actually most days, I just want to quiet it down, because the perceived norm despises my thought processes. Imagine having constant images/conversations in your head when trying to relax and escape from the day, or when trying to read and concentrate, constantly interferring.
My brain never shuts down.
Let me explain what it's like. I have four examples to share for the description:
1) My brain is like a weather map when it shows the lightning strikes on it from a violent storm. Thoughts flash continuously in and out, without order, and fade into nothingness shortly thereafter. Nothing meaningful other than there is an abnormal amount of activity leading to some major change. Distracting and catastrophic change occurs, which eventually becomes new and a refreshed reality, sometimes a new reality happens. It sometimes ain't pretty when it does. I don't always welcome it, but it can force me to be better and more focused, provided the right distraction occurs.
2) Images and words become a whirlwind. They fly in and out, swirling, especially as I think about whatever subject is at hand, thinking of other tasks I need to do, with concentration interrupted and altered with other conversations going around me.
3) It's like being at a party or networking event where there are many different conversations going on at the same time, and you're trying to listen and eavesdrop on all of them, while also trying to focus on your own conversation. You get nothing substantial other than jumbled words, and you're not able to remember what was discussed in any of the discussions.
4) I have constant conversations within my head. Not voices, just my brain talking to me over and over again...over everything else. They can be funny events or something reminding me of painful events. Regardless, they do not allow me to move forward.
Direct conversations become chaotic mind games with the crowd within my head. Often, when I'm asked what was just said in a conversation, I panic from lack of recall. It's like I have not paid attention and often do not know what was just discussed. However, the reality is, I can't recall because the many images, messages, thoughts and distractions within my brain prevent me from paying attention to what was said or what was important. Kicker is, I can recall partial glimpses of my interfering thoughts, but cannot fully recall the discussion and outcome.
To add to this, my handwriting is so poor when writing notes to remember, the deciphering process is nearly impossible from my notes. And I have no recollection of what was important or what I proposed we should do.
Hopelessness evolves from my chaotic interpretations of wasted thought.
But, what is it actually like in my head? The simple answer is this: It's chaotic. Purely chaotic.
So, here's a mere glimpse...less than five-ish minutes of my daily waking, cognizant hours:
~~~~~
Thoughts occur....they consume my brain until something else comes along.
Discussion begins to occur within my head....I would say it's voices, but it's not, it's just my brain talking with itself.
This brain of mine loves self conversation, along with philosophical rants. It plays out philosophic arguments, which can never be fully articulated, unless written, but it incessantly plagues my inner peace. I win, but my adversary never realizes it, nor can I articulate it in real life.
I try to stop my brain, or quiet it again...to no avail.
And now I try reading....what did I read? The conversations within my mind continue. They are relentless and unforgiving.
I can't remember what I was supposed to remember.
Professorial condemnations occur, though they are now hallucinations or flashbacks from what was once experienced.
Seriously...crap...I have to go back two or three paragraphs to reread and catch-up.
Holy crap, more conversations....they interrupt me, but what did they say? Paranoia sometimes sets in.
Did I capture everything in my notes...my hand writing is so bad I cannot read what I wrote.
I cannot remember the conversation, either...I wanted to write it down, I truly tried, but forgot, before I could capture the full essence.
I cannot ask them to repeat it...I'm supposed to be an expert.
The other person notices my inadequacies...or at least, I perceive they do, my face is flush, and I tell myself to think of mountains and not to sweat...I miss the other part of the discussion.
Then, yet another conversation within my mind begins, in another direction, conflicting with the other maddening discussions within my brain.
Nervousness....why are my hands shaking?
My brain is consumed...a co-worker tells me to not let anyone see me sweat, it's weakness. It was not an actual conversation today, just one I recalled from weeks past that I inadvertently recalled at this point in time.
Why do I constantly recall bad conversations where I make embarrassing mistakes?
Yet, then, in the silence of my home, I think to myself, they cannot see this....
...my wife notices the paper that I'm holding is shaking...she asks why...
I skirt the question with a sarcastic comment.
I fear she thinks something else. And yet my hands shake more uncontrollably....I worry, and discuss within my
...it's not a good discussion, and this causes other discussions among the perceived normal ones.
Gotta stop this....other conversations within my head interject their thoughtless ramblings.
What did these conversations say? Shit, I can't remember.
Doubt....a common theme, reinforced by the perceived norm.
Thoughts...they lead into some dimension of misguided worry....
My mind still racing, the self looking for a way to escape. It cannot...trapped...
Sweat becomes more profuse...how do I stop it? I can't! How do I escape it?
Paranoia, self doubt and an escape mentality become increasingly prevalent.
Misguided thoughts, worrying about missteps in previous discussions, continues in fervor.
Self doubt continues......my brain replays all the missteps and mistakes I have done in public to the point of incapacitating me...I need to step away from the conversation and crowd. I'm powerless.
Sweating, blushing.....I tell myself to stop it, but cannot, and it increases.
And then the person I'm meeting with walks into the room, shakes my hand and says hello....I need to proceed with some sense of poise.
Welcome to a chaotic mind...
EjG
